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  • Writer's pictureDave Caperton

A Christmas Poem

The holidays are a wonderful mixture of fun, family, and financial distress. Just for laughs, here’s a little poem as my gift to you. Merry Christmas!

A Mall and the Night Visitors

By Dave Caperton with apologies to Clement Moore (and whoever he stole it from)

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the mall

The merchants were tallying their holiday haul

The shoppers were grouchy, no one was joking

Their savings were spent, their Visas were smoking

And my wife with her checkbook and I with Discover

Were there to buy gifts for each other’s mothers

Past Armani and Polo we flew like a flash

To the dollar store where we’d get lots for our cash

We bought lighters and ashtrays, two for a buck

(No-one’s a smoker, but that’s their tough luck)

We bought outdated roadmaps and candles–no wicks!

And a beautiful calendar…from ‘76

Now for the hard part, my wife’s Christmas gift

It was twenty ‘til six, and I had to move quick

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work

I charged down the mall dodging kiosks and clerks

In the Coach store I considered a three-piece purse set

(It was six dollars more than the national debt)

At Macy’s I panicked. I grabbed iPods and dishes

I seized picture frames, glasses, and a pan to fry fishes

I bought oodles of earrings, satin pajamas

Scarves made from the hair of Peruvian llamas

I bought armloads of clothing and shoes, fourteen pair

They asked, “Size?” I said, “Four, 68, I don’t care!”

“How much is that juicer? That pot for linguine?

How much more if I throw in a grill for panini?”

I chose gizmos and gadgets, perfumes, lingerie

They said “bras are half-off!” but I looked away

The register hummed with such unbridled spending

That the Dow Jones reported a positive trending

I knew I’d been foolish, way deep down inside

But at least I’m all done with my shopping, I sighed

But the salesman exclaimed as this thought crossed my mind,

“You can put it all back, sir, your card’s been declined.”

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